robb by eleanor
by brandend
Summary: (LEGOLAS BY LAURA spinoff) Years ago, Robb discovered Eleanor, a secret Targaryen baby, in the wilderness, and took her to Winterfell to be brought up amongst the Starks. Now Eleanor has been kidnapped and is being held captive in the Dreadfort. Can Robb save her in time?


This is, I must remind you, the most out-of-character, purposely awful, implausibly stupid fic that I could possibly have written, so I will of course beg you to put aside logic for a few minutes.

* * *

robb was riding near winterfell one fine morning when he saw a babe ginger of hair and blue-green of eye in a puddle and robb thought "it is ok if i leave it here to die it is not like it has a soul" and then he realised he was a ginger too in book canon and said "ok wee one i will take you to winterfell" and the babe cried and shat itself and robb said "icky bicky you are squicky" but all the same he picked it up and got back on his horse and held the babe upside down by the leg in one hand because he had to hold the reins of his horsey somehow

"what do we have here" said robb's mum lady catelyn when he returned "it is a babe i found it outside" said robb and catelyn said "yes i see that you daft shit" and robb's dad ned who was naked as his nameday said "well what do you intend to do with it we can have gage make it into a stew" and robb said "no she will be my sister and my wife" and ned said "ok" and robb said "i will call her eleanor" and catelyn nodded and ned said "ok" and they all went back to the great hall and ate lamprey pies and honey cakes and lemon cakes and bowls of brown and dornish plums and stallion hearts and the grease dribbled down their chins

 **~many a lot of years later~**

"wake up sleepyhead" said robb he was standing over eleanor's bed and she said "good morning my fair lord" and he said "it rubs the lotion on its skin" so eleanor said "i want to learn archery today i hate needlework". "then i must teach you" said robb so together they went into the courtyard and he gave her his bow and then he said "nock and hold you cunt" and eleanor said "i am not sure what that means" so robb showed her. "can i learn too i hear i don't know things" said jon snow coming up to them "no you are a bastard" shrieked catelyn and jon snow said "ok" and he went to cry in the crypts like a right mard-arse. above them stood ned who wore just a bra and who eyed robb and eleanor with approval "they will make a nice couple" he said to himself and catelyn beside him said "yes" as eleanor shot a bullseye on her first go and robb clapped stupidly like seal beating its flippers together

meanwhile the queen of thorns and jon connington and jorah mormont were riding up to winterfell and the queen of thorns said "i did not know that robb stark had a third sister" and jon connington said "neither did i" and the queen of thorns said "but i do know you still dream of buggering rhaegar" and jon connington said "yes with an aubergine". robb and catelyn and ned and arya and sansa and rickon and bran and eleanor greeted them and said "hi" and they all said "hi" and then they went inside to have a nice luncheon of sister's stew and blood oranges and pigeon pie and suckling pig and honeyed chicken and the grease dribbled down their chins. "how exactly are we acquainted" said catelyn to jon connington and jorah and olenna "we aren't, khaleesi" said jorah and catelyn said "oh ok"

meanwhile roose bolton and walder frey and tywin lannister sipped moon tea at the dreadfort "oh it is so nice to sit here so evilly" said walder "yes indeed" said tywin "i wish we had hobnobs" said roose "anyway eleanor is the princess who was promised and a secret targaryen she must be taken captive" said tywin "yes" said walder "roose you will send your bastard to kidnap her" commanded tywin and roose said sassily "oh yes my lord" and roose's bastard son ramsay poked his head through the door and said "may i flay her please". tywin yelled "NO eleanor is the trueborn daughter of rhaegar targaryen and a lampshade she must remain unharmed" and ramsay pouted but he said "ok" and rode away towards winterfell

later that evening robb was saying goodnight to eleanor and she said "tell me a story my favourite brother" and robb said "ok once upon a time there was a turtle and it was green and then it died" and eleanor said "that was very nice" and robb said "yes" and his direwolf grey wind came in and robb said "grey wind you must guard eleanor" and grey wind said nothing because it was a direwolf and it curled on the floor and robb left. whilst eleanor was drifting off to sleep and grey wind was trying to be protective the queen of thorns crept in and plunged her tongue into grey wind's mouth going "mmmmmmm" with pleasure and the direwolf was distracted then ramsay climbed in through the window and grabbed eleanor who was sleeping and said "hehehehehe i am evil"

 **~meanwhile~**

mance rayder was sat in his tent somewhere very cold and he was friskily eating twigs when tormund giantsbane walked in and said "hello mance" and mance said "hello tormund what brings you here today" and tormund blushed and said "did you just fart" and mance said "no why" and tormund said "because you blew me away" and before tormund knew it mance's hands were gripping his beard with fervour and he sighed "oh yes yes my sweet" and tormund said "i love you" and mance said "i love you too"

 **~in the morning~**

eleanor awoke on the cold and hard and muddy and nasty floor of somewhere and when she looked up there were iron bars all over and she said "where am i" and ramsay said "in the dungeons of the dreadfort" and eleanor asked crying "why" and ramsay said "i kidnapped you because you are a secret targaryen" and eleanor said "what" and ramsay whispered "yes you are rhaegar targaryen's daughter" and eleanor wept. then walder frey came in and said "you are our prisoner we will slap you" and tywin said "yes walder you can" so walder frey did and when he was done eleanor curled up in the corner crying and hoping that robb would come to save her.

meanwhile at winterfell all was astir "where is eleanor" screamed robb because her bed was empty and she had not been to breakfast and the queen of thorns said "bolton's bastard took her to the dreadfort" so robb said "ok then let's go get her" and jorah and jon connington came in and said "we're coming too" and jorah said "khaleesi". so they got dark sister and dawn and ice and longclaw and a bunch of horseys and jorah took along a cucumber and they set out for the dreadfort. meanwhile in the dungeons of the dreadfort walder frey slapped eleanor again and then ramsay played a vuvuzela for three hours straight and tywin came in and slapped her too and roose said "hehehehehehehe" as he watched and forced her to drink milk of the poppy mixed with the strangler and widow's blood and manticore venom and nightshade and tears of lys

soon enough robb and jorah and jon connington and the queen of thorns were outside the dreadfort "i will break in and you lot climb the tower and come in through the window and meet me down in the dungeons" said robb "ok khaleesi" said jorah and off they went. robb walked right in and he found eleanor in a cell in the dungeon and she said "robb help" and he said "ok" and then the baddies emerged from the shadows and said "no you can't". and then in came jorah and olenna and jon connington and the fight was on.

"yeeeeeeee" wailed walder frey as he doused himself in vinegar and set himself on fire whilst the queen of thorns stabbed him through the heart with dark sister thus forging lightbringer and then jorah whined "khaleesi khaleesi khaleesi" as he thrust ice repeatedly into ramsay's pubic region and then he collapsed on the floor and cried. jon connington cornered tywin pointing dawn at his throat and tywin hissed like a PMSing cat and said "i dare you to kill me" and joncon said "ok" and stabbed tywin through the throat and tywin gurgled "kiosks" as his soul passed into the great unknown. "you raped her you murdered her you killed her children" screamed robb at roose whilst eleanor said "what children also i am alive and i have not been raped" and roose bolton in his sassy gay voice said "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" before robb slit his throat with longclaw. "tywin tywin my lion" roose sighed dying

robb opened the cell and picked up eleanor who was still crying and carried her outside and put her on a horsey and the queen of thorns and jorah mounted their horseys too but jon connington would not move. "my time here is done" he said "what do you mean" said the queen of thorns "i have accomplished my purpose and have saved rhaegar's daughter" said jon connington as he swung and swung and swung about dawn decapitating himself. "ow" said his head and then he died

 **~meanwhile~**

it was a nasty day so snowy and frigid and tormund came into mance's tent again his cheeks red with the cold and his cycloptic milk spitter hard at the sight of mance lying there so serenely. "did it hurt" asked tormund "did what hurt" asked mance "when you fell from heaven" said tormund and mance said "yes" and tormund spooned behind him and mance said "mmmmmmm" then tormund lifted up the hems of mance's coat and shirt and took out a bottle of salad cream and rubbed it all over mance's nipples and tormund said again "are you harambe's enclosure" and mance said "no why" and tormund said "because i want to drop a kid inside you" and mance said "yesss yesss please". then tormund's foaming beef probe was pressed against mance's poo chute and he pushed it inside and out came his sticky white love pee and mance was pregnant

 **~a few hours later~**

jorah and robb and olenna were riding back to winterfell when eleanor fell off her horsey and robb picked her up and pulled her on his "no i must ride" she said and there was stinky goo coming out of her mouth and her eyes were rolling back into her head and she took a massive malodourous shit in her smallclothes. eleanor said "i think i am dying" and robb said "no" and eleanor said "promise me robb" and robb said "promise you what" and then eleanor shuddered and passed out. "we must hurry back to winterfell or eleanor will die" said robb crying and jorah said "yes khaleesi"

 **~two days later in winterfell~**

"what happened to me" said eleanor in her bed and robb said "ramsay and roose bolton and tywin lannister and walder frey kidnapped you but i rescued you" and eleanor said "oh" and robb said "you are lucky to be alive they gave you a lot of poison" and eleanor said "yes". then she just sprawled there looking at him and how pretty he was and said "robb will you be my boyfriend" and robb said "yes" and eleanor whispered "ok". robb bent over eleanor's bedside to hug her very tight and said "jewish ear fungus" and eleanor looked very happy and then said "robb i think i am going to have your baby now". robb said "really" and eleanor said "yes" and robb said "we will get married ok" and eleanor said "yes" and catelyn said "i can't wait to be a gran" and ned in his fez and male chastity belt said "i want to teach little rhaegar stark how to ride horses" and astonishingly no one got stabbed

 **~one month later~**

it was the day of robb and eleanor's wedding and it was a bright and sunny day and the birds were singing and eleanor's wedding gown was so white as weirwood bark and beautiful and they were outside in the godswood beneath the heart tree and it was very beautiful even the queen of thorns and jorah mormont and jon connington's decaying eyeless head were present. "i am yours and you are mine" said robb "i am yours and you are mine" said eleanor. then the wedding was done and ned stark in his jockstrap and top hat cried and said "ohhhh that was so lovely i want to get married again" and catelyn said "well you can take maester luwin to wife" and ned said "ok i will" and sansa cried because she wanted to marry joffrey, and upstairs in his chambers jon snow cried because he wasn't invited, and arya cried because she had to wear a dress, and bran cried because he was bored, and rickon choked to death on a stapler and no one noticed. then they all went into the great hall to have the wedding feast of capons and olives and pigeons and whiskerfish and strawberry pie and the grease dribbled down their chins

"A TARGARYEN WHOOOOORE NED" said someone from the threshold and everyone turned and it was robert baratheon and he was wielding blackfyre and waving it about angrily and ned said "go away you fat cockwomble" and robert said "WE MUST EXECUTE THE WHOOOOOOOOORE". "eleanor is not a whore she is my little sister" yelled robb and robert baratheon said "SO WHAT" and then he marched into the hall. "you will die for this" said robb grabbing needle and he ran at bobby b screaming "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" but suddenly a kraken exploded out of the floor and ate robb and it said "merci beaucoup he was very delicious" and then the kraken


End file.
